Grief Watch Newsletter 
Volume 2 , Issue 4  

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" Let there be such oneness between us that when one of us cries the other will taste salt "

Grief Watch Newsletter
Volume 2, Issue 4
May 2, 2002
Edited by: Metanoia Peace Community - Portland, Oregon USA

IN THIS ISSUE YOU WILL FIND:
From The Director Of Grief Watch
Thoughts Along The Way
Helpful Product – Support Cards
Win A FREE Pack OF Support Cards!
Parent Submission – “A Promise”
Tear Soup Tips – Grandy’s Tear Soup Recipe
Poem - “Friend to Friend”
Book Review – “Dreaming Kevin - The Path To Healing”
Helpful Links & Websites
Comments & Suggestions

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF GRIEFWATCH
Pat Schwiebert, R.N. – Executive Director

FRIENDS

Long after you have come to terms with your loss, you may still be holding a grudge against others for what they have said to you or failed to say to you, during your grieving time. To understand why they acted as they did you need only remember what it was like before this tragedy in your life, and how you treated friends who had experienced the death of a loved one. What did you do? How often did you visit them or encourage them to talk about their grief? If you did very little, or did whatever you did with a feeling of awkwardness, you can perhaps appreciate more fully the less-than-adequate behavior of your friends in your time of need. This is not to justify their behavior but only to explain it. 

Many well-meaning companions honestly don’t know what to do to help you through your time of grief. They’re afraid to say the wrong thing, or they may think the less said the better. Because bereaved persons are not usually the most consistent people around, others may be a bit hesitant to attempt to reach out to you. How much courage does it take for you, as the bereaved, to tell people what you need so they can respond appropriately? One of your most difficult, yet necessary tasks will be to assume the role of educator in this process. In order to get what you need you must be willing to create the possibility for it to happen, by speaking directly and clearly about what is helpful to you.

How nice it would be if people were already willing and able to give you whatever you need. But such support is rare. Still, most of your friends do have the potential to be helpful and, given a few guidelines, can be a real asset to you. Try to remember: 

Your friends DO care about you.
They DO want to help.
They CAN be educated.

Don’t give up on your friends when they make a mistake (and they probably will!) You have already lost enough. 

Questions or comments? Contact the author 
Pat Schwiebert R.N. at mailto:pat@tearsoup.com 

THOUGHTS ALONG THE WAY

“NEVER MISTAKE SILENCE FOR AGREEMENT.”

To learn more about Thoughts Along The Way please visit 
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/thoughts.htm  

HELPFUL PRODUCT: Support Cards
A New Resource To Help In Times Of Grief… 100 Questions To Help You Move Through      The Murky Waters Of Grief
Sometimes we need help figuring out the questions to ask ourselves so we don’t get stuck going over the same issue in our head as we grieve. Support Cards can be used to “create your own counseling session” with your partner. Here’s how it can work. Read a question out loud. Respond to it. Your partner listens to your thoughts and then when you are finished talking, your partner gets to share while you listen. Support Cards can expand your own understanding of how the death of your loved one affects all aspects of your life. If you are a support group leader these cards can be used as a program for the evening, or a help to jump-start a meeting. Support Cards are also a helpful tool for someone who is facilitating a group meeting in your place, when you are unable to be there!  EXAMPLE OF SUPPORT CARDS: How have my relationships changed since my loss? Along with the loss of my loved one I have lost…? What is the hardest part of my grief? What do I miss most about my loved one? What are the most helpful words that persons have spoken to me       since? my loss If my best friend had a death in the family what advice would I give my       friend? To learn more about Support Cards please visit: http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/supportcards.htm

WIN A FREE PACK OF SUPPORT CARDS!

Recently we started a new program within our website that aims to give away FREE helpful products and gifts in a monthly drawing. The entries for this drawing are pulled directly from a new “Product Giveaway List” that is open to all of our customers and newsletter subscribers.

To take part in this special program and have your name included in the drawing each month, all you have to do is add your name to our “Giveaway List.” It’s that easy! Each month we enter the names on this list into a special drawing where we give away a FREE item from our product catalogue. These items often include our 
handmade ceramic Remembering Heart, Love Stones, the Rainbow Butterfly, or Support Cards.

This months drawing is for a FREE pack of Support Cards! You just read about these useful and thought provoking cards in the article directly above. You can learn more by also visiting: http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/supportcards.htm. 

Currently we maintain three separate lists for our subscribers to choose from. Each uniquely different, they let subscribers customize the services we provide. A traditional “Mailing list” for sending out catalogues, brochures and product updates, an “Email List” that sends you this newsletter each month, and the new “Product Giveaway List” we mentioned above. 

If you would like to add your name to the “Product Giveaway List” and have a chance at winning any month’s featured item, simply follow the link below to our mailing list administration page. Once there enter the email address you used when you first signed up to our mailing list. Following these steps will give you access to your personal profile in our database and will allow you to select which of our mentioned list’s you would like to join, or remove yourself from. 

After you have selected the list(s) you would like to join click the SAVE button at the bottom of your profile page, and you will be automatically added to those list!

TO UPDATE YOU PROFILE & JOIN THE “PRODUCT GIVEAWAY LIST” 
PLEASE CLICK HERE: http://www.griefwatch.com/mailinglist/add_subscriber.asp  

If you have any questions about our mailing list(s) please send your questions to 
mailto:webmaster@griefwatch.com.  

PARENT SUBMISSION

A PROMISE 
By Natalie Mitchell 

An expected beautiful moment, an American dream of all that the commercials and magazine ads ever promised to a woman, was stolen in the night. The promise of the expected moment was of freshness, closeness, comfort and love. Filled with precious, flowing, maternal love. The kind of promise that an entire life could be planned upon In the small sterile room the crisp air of shock was suffocating. It was an early morning in August. The room was mixed with whispers. The beeps of the hospital equipment made everything sound like a faraway place. Like a live rock concert when you are in the bathroom; the music is obviously loud and close, yet miles away in feel.

Suddenly a gown, a cold floor, a metal bed rail, a stranger with a stethoscope and nowhere to be seen were the images resembling the promise that everyone counted on. Nothing there precious or lovely.

Then the pains of labor and grief collided. They made a ravenous pair, attacking and cutting deep into the mind and spirit. No commercials could have ever displayed this. There are no warning labels on packs of diapers or on the sides of cribs at the baby shops. “WARNING: do not assemble in case of infant death!”

A constant flow of nurses and medication. Somber encouragements to deal with a useless, joyless labor. Instead of the loving faces to help guide through contractions like the classes taught, there was only silence and ceiling tile to stare at in disbelief. There could be no point in maintaining a courageous character; only to scream and grip the bed sheets until the I.V. needle flexed and blood seeped down to the wrist.

Certainly we all know that there are no guarantees in life, but the promise is so infectious. Even strangers understand the promise when their eyes catch a sight of the life nestled within your belly. The promise is added with each look of pride and joy at the life to be. Who can repair the broken promise when it dies? No one can catch a glimpse of your grief even when you carry so heavy in your heart, just as heavy and uncomfortable as you carried a body swollen with extra fat, blood, water, and life. That body was handed over selflessly because of the promise that would be fulfilled at the end. All of the sickness, swollen ankles and fatigue were just rites of passage towards the promise. Months of uncomfortable sleep and uncomfortable 
awake were worth it all. Even the fear of labor pains was welcome and accepted as the path towards a new life being brought into your hands. The same hands that daily massaged and tenderly cared for the small world behind the fullness of a belly.

The shock began to spread to the hearts and eyes of the well-wishers that had to become fellow mourners. The house held a baby shower decorated with pink and blue ribbons, a flowery cake, gifts of clothes and toys, pastel cards adorned with perfect-cartooned babies and poems about motherhood not long ago.

It was a dark and silent place filled with the fog of grief. The same guest list, but this time they carried bibles, lilies, and plates of food for the days when cooking was too much to think about. They brought cards of serene skies, clouds, mountains and crosses with poems about grief and condolences. A strong scent of stargazer lilies filled the room and became the signature cologne of infant death and mourning.

The nursery waited patiently like a store display. The stroller sat by the door. The car seat announced that there would have been a baby traveling. The diaper bag had no crumbs, dirty clothes or burp rags stained with milk it knew of the travels it would never have.

Above all the unused items of the promise were the breasts. Awakened by labor and full of beautiful nourishing milk. The nipples dripped and the chest ached with engorgement. There was no relief for that pain. Only a hot silent shower that fooled the milk to release on it’s own. A long shower flowed with mother’s milk, tears and blood from a body that had labored to deliver death into the waiting arms of a new mother.

Round cheeks and tiny fingernails. Wavy brown hair that was still wet with amniotic fluid. Perfectly still lips that would never speak. A beautiful body that would never take in a breath of air or feel a mother’s kiss. His entire existence was a calm, warm, and dark place. But in his darkness; no one could see that death had arrived. Eight pounds and twelve ounces of perfect baby that had already been given to the other promise; that life will end, even if it is before it’s born.

Story by: Natalie Mitchell
First North American Serial Rights
Copyright 2002 Natalie Mitchell
For Questions or comments, 
Please contact the author at: mailto:natdmitch@dsl-only.net 

Directions:
Choose the size pot that fits your loss. It’s okay to increase pot size if you miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set the temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. Strong flavors will mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:
- Be creative
- Trust your instincts 
- Cry when you want to, laugh when you can
- Freeze some to use as a starter next time
- Keep your own soup making journal so you won’t forget

Soup Making and Time
- Grief work takes time. Much longer than anyone wants it to.
- If a child or spouse dies it may be a year before the bereaved begins to gain a sense of stability,
  because the loss is highlighted by each season, holiday, anniversary or special day. The second year is
  not so great either.
- You may be okay one minute but the next minute you may hit bottom.
- Nighttime can be particularly difficult. Some people have trouble getting to sleep while others have trouble
  staying asleep. An then there are those who don't want to wake up.
- Most people can tolerate another's loss for about a month before wanting the bereaved person to get back
  to normal.

Tear Soup - Copyright Grief Watch 2001

Please Note:
Reprinted from Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss.
If you would like to share this recipe with others or include it in a support group or 
newsletter, please include the following byline:

Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss
Copyright Grief Watch 1999
By Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen
Illustrated by Taylor Bills
Home Page: http://www.tearsoup.com 
email: mailto:info@tearsoup.com  

Read More Of Grandy’s Tear Soup Tips.  Please visit http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tstips.htm  

To learn more about Tear Soup please visit http://www.tearsoup.com/tearsoup/tsabout.htm  

POEM – 

Friend to Friend

In the quiet of my mind
I think of you.
Wondering what a friend
Is supposed to do.
If I could ease your pain
I surely would.
My heart breaks for you.
Can’t you see?

You don’t have to say a word.
Don’t stop my tears.
I feel so all alone,
I need to know you care.
Don’t be afraid
Just let me talk,
I need the touch of your hand.

Say my loved one’s name.
Ask me how I am.
Don’t assume my grief’s over
When we know it’s not.
And with your help
I know I’ll make it through.
I need you more than ever.
Can’t you see?

I’ll cry with you.
I’ll laugh with you;
I’ll do the things
You teach me to.
My fear is that I may
Cause you more pain.
My arms are around you.
Can’t you see?

Author Unknown

HELPFUL LINKS - For Parents And Professionals

Rising Sun – Center For Loss & Renewal
http://www.risingsuncenter.com/  
Founded in 1997 the center offers counseling services, bereavement group 
facilitation, in-service seminars, personal grief counseling, books and games for retail 
sale, and other professional services related to the life-changing challenges of loss 
and renewal. Experienced in grief work with all ages, this practice specializes in 
helping children through their journeys of loss and renewal.

National SHARE Office:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/  
The National SHARE Office is a non-profit organization and the hub for all SHARE 
support groups around the country. If you are looking for an infant loss support group 
or the local SHARE group in your area, this is a good place to start. Site also has 
good information regarding parents’ rights and grief education.

A Place To Remember:
http://www.aplacetoremember.com/ 
Site includes a page for sharing, a remembrance book page, and a catalogue of 
products on-line. Site also includes a resource section. 

The Centering Corporation:
http://www.centering.org 
The Centering Corporation has a large online and mail order selection of bereavement 
titles and resources for your family.

Web Healing Discussion Page
http://www.webhealing.com/cgi-bin/main.pl  
Tom Golden’s Web Healing site offers an online discussion board for grief topics as 
well as a comprehensive bereavement links page. 

For more bereavement sites and grief links please visit our Helpful Links Page at 
http://www.griefwatch.com/links.htm  

Tear Soup is one of the most helpful recipes for you and your family. 
Find out why. http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tshome.htm  

Want to learn more about Grief Watch? 
Please visit our website http://www.Griefwatch.com 

COMMENTS & SUGGESTIONS

Do you have an article, idea or suggestion for our newsletter? Our online community grows and becomes inspired everyday by your input. Please send your submissions or comments to mailto:webmaster@tearsoup.com 

This newsletter is the creation of Metanoia Peace Community-Grief Watch, Portland, Oregon. USA. The articles contained within are subject to all copyright restrictions and are the property Grief Watch or their perspective owners.  If you would like to share this newsletter with others please do so. If you would like to reprint a portion of this newsletter for your organization or publications, please contact Chuck DeKlyen mailto:webmaster@griefwatch.com for permissions. Thank you.

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