In
this November issue you will find:
 |
Holidays
Magnify Everything. |
|
Thoughts Along The
Way |
|
Tear Soup Holiday
Offer! |
|
Tear Soup Tips From
Grandy |
|
Unexpected
Grace |
|
Signs Of Grief In The
World. |
|
Write
A Year-End Letter To Your Deceased Loved One: |
|
Poem |
|
Tear Soup To Go! |
|
Holiday Gift Ideas For
The Bereaved |
|
Helpful Links &
Websites
|
Holidays
Magnify Everything.
From
the desk of Pat Schwiebert, Executive Dir. Grief Watch
There
is more noise…more shopping…more sorrow…more
gatherings…more tears…more loneliness…more
decisions…more pain…more memories. It’s no wonder that the bereaved see holidays as something
to dread.
Holidays
magnify your loss by placing constant reminders all around you
of what you are missing in your life.
It’s at the malls.
You’ll feel it at church.
You’ll get it through the mail.
You’ll hear about it at work. There is no place safe to
hide.
There’s
something about the holidays that tells you you’re supposed to
feel all filled up. That
you are expected to feel as though you just might burst with
excitement like you did when you were a kid.
But what you are actually feeling is the exact opposite.
There’s a void that refuses to be filled…at least for the
time being.
Holidays
are about having everyone together.
It’s a time when we stop our routines and focus on
gathering our loved ones around us and creating new memories.
That empty chair at the table is a glaring reminder of
your loss. Even arranging the chairs so you won’t notice the
empty seat won’t take
away the knowledge that someone is missing.
Because what your eyes can’t see, your heart will still
feel.
And
most would surely say, “All I want for Christmas is to have my
life back to the way it was before my loved one died.” This
year, all you may be able to do is just get through the
holidays, and maybe eek out a special moment or two. And be
satisfied with that. But
hold on to the hope that loss is not meant to forever take away
joy.
Our
hope for those in the throes of fresh grief is that
someday
the holidays will again bring you more joy… more music...more
laughter…more gratitude…more friends…more surprises…more
festive occasions…more memories.
Questions
or comments? Contact
the author
Pat
Schwiebert R.N. at pat@tearsoup.com
Thoughts Along The Way
There
is no getting around it. Loss takes away.
But, if we allow it, grief will give back.
Grief empties us, but in time we can be filled back up
with new loves, new desires, new treasures, new priorities.
To
learn more about Thoughts Along the Way please visit
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/thoughts.htm
Tear
Soup Holiday Offer!
An
offer only for our special customers & newsletter
subscribers!!!
Have
you considered giving Tear Soup as a special gift this
holiday season?
If
so, for a limited time when you order one copy of Tear Soup,
a recipe for healing after loss, you can purchase a second
copy at a reduced price!
Purchase
one copy of Tear Soup at regular price and receive the
second copy for only $10.00.
If
you would like to take advantage of this special offer, please
call our office at 503-284-7426 and we will process and ship
your copies within 24 hours.
*
offer expires December 21, 2001
*
shipping cost added to invoice
* offer applies to retail
sales only
Want
to learn more about Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss?
Please
visit http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tshome.htm
Tear
Soup Tips From Grandy
If
your friend is the one making Tear Soup
1.
Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand.
2.
Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and
crying.
3.
Stick close to your friend and defend their right to
grieve.
4.
Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to
grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
5.
Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help.
6.
Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let
them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks
for a while.
7.
Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let
your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss
right now.
8.
Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in
touch, allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they
feel up to it.
9.
Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved
persons sometimes don't know what to ask for.
10.
Avoid
offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates the
grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their
grief.
11.
Give your
friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the
subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they
do cry.
12.
Ask them
questions. But don't tell them how they should feel.
13.
Invite your
friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let
them decide if they don't want to attend.
14.
Don't assume
because your friend is having a good day that it means they are
over their loss.
15.
Be mindful
of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.
Reprinted
from Tear Soup, a recipe for healing after loss. To
learn more about Tear Soup please visit http://www.tearsoup.com
Copyright
Grief Watch 2001
Unexpected
Grace
By
Rev. John T. Schwiebert
In
my faith tradition, during the season of Advent (the four
Sundays prior to Christmas), we reflect about the coming of
God/Christ into our world and into our lives.
We are reminded that God often does not come to us with
dramatic signs that are easily observed but “like a thief in
the night.”
As
a pastor, I’ve listened to many people tell about their
experiences with God. They have sometimes reported that God became very real to
them not through some dramatic, emotionally charged event, but
quietly, simply, when they least expected, and were least
prepared for, such an encounter.
Like a “thief in the night!”
It
is not unusual for us, when we have experienced loss, to feel
separated from God, perhaps even to doubt that there is a loving
God. We want God to
come to us—now--to miraculously restore what we’ve lost, or
at least to make the pain go away.
But it feels to us like God is just not there when we
need God the most.
But
then, sometime later in the grieving process, God shows up at a
time and in a way that we least expect. In that moment, we hear
God saying to us, “I am here with you, even in your pain.”
We receive from God the assurance that, in spite of our
loss, we are going to be okay, and that, through our loss, we
are going to be even stronger than we were before.
At
the Christmas memorial service in our infant loss group last
year, each parent was given a “Singing Star” Christmas tree
ornament (a ceramic heart suspended within a ceramic star)
inscribed with the name of their child who had died. Over 100
individualized ornaments were presented.
After the service, one couple came to my wife Pat and
said, “The heart in our star has a flaw in it.”
Pat apologized and offered to have it replaced
immediately. “No,
no,” the couple said. “This
is our special star, because our child’s death was the result
of a heart defect in just that same place.”
It
was a moment that we didn’t plan, a gracious moment in which
God was surely present.
So
the Advent word for us is:
expect the unexpected!
And don’t be surprised if God surprises you one day
with a gift and a grace that you didn’t anticipate!
Questions
or comments? Please contact the author
Rev. John Schwiebert at mailto:john@tearsoup.com
Signs
Of Grief In The World
A
growing number of flower bouquets lean against the telephone
pole where one young man died.
The fate of his drinking companion is still unknown.
These 19 year olds made some unwise choices that affected
more than just their future. Their families’ lives were
also forever changed.
Most of the
time we see makeshift shrines like this when people are victims
of someone else’s carelessness.
But these two men were victims of their own folly. These
flowers placed by the roadside are a reminder that the young
men’s families and friends will not suffer any less because of
the reason why they died. Love accepts mistakes.
It doesn’t hide the truth.
That’s how we heal.
Write A
Year-End Letter To Your Deceased Loved One:
Lots of “stuff” in grief never gets resolved. It’s like food in plastic bags in a deep freezer -waiting,
perhaps, someday to be thawed.
The year-end letter to a deceased loved one gives you an
opportunity to “defrost” emotions and feelings.
Somehow, on paper, the thought, the words, accusation can
become less destructive. I
urge grievers to write the letter, keep it for a day or so, then
burn the letter in the fireplace on New Year’s Eve.
Some have taken snippings from their tree, pieces of
Christmas wrap, and then “let go” of those words.
|
Here
are some sample topics to jump-start your letter: |
|
When
I think about Christmases with you, I especially remember… |
|
In
losing you I feel that I have lost… |
|
I
wish you could be here to help me this season with… |
|
I’m
grateful for… |
|
The
thing I feel most guilt about when I think of you is… |
|
What
I don’t miss about you is… |
|
What
I miss most about you is… |
|
One
tradition of the season that I have changed is… |
Include
family members in the project.
Children may choose a drawing or picture to capture their
thoughts. You can
place these in a holiday box under the tree until you dispose of
it.
You
may also decide to “share” portions of the letter with other
family members, either individually or in a group.
Or you could purchase a journal and leave it where family
members can write in it throughout the season.
Some of us simply are not good at verbalizing, and others
of us are not good at listening all the way to the end of a
sentence. So the
journal offers a place to “get it off our chests.”
Used
by permission from A DECEMBERED
GRIEF
by
Harold Ivan Smith.
Published
by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City. Copyright
1999
For
ordering information call, 1-800-877-0700
Poem
-
A
Prayer for Survivors
Lord,
I need your help to survive,
A
part of me's gone, but I'm still alive.
Let
me not be obsessed with "if onlys" and
"whys,"
Only
You know the reason that somebody dies.
I
must take the time to weep, and smile when I can.
And
try not to be concerned with the judgments of man.
Can
I learn how to numb the everyday pain,
So
that hollow inside me will not remain?
May
I substitute goals for my feelings of guilt,
And
not be ashamed of the life I have built.
Make
me believe that the sadness will pass,
That
joy will return to my being at last.
Finally,
show me the way to reach others like me.
Then
I'll know my survival was destined to be.
Therese
Gump, Survivor
Tear Soup To Go! -Donating
books to victims of tragedy.
Tear
Soup To Go!, is a new program instituted by Grief Watch to directly
assist the families of the devastating September 11, 2001 attack
and other tragedies throughout the country. Through this program,
individuals can directly touch the lives of those that are in their
most personal hour of need.
By giving to the Tear Soup To
Go book
donation program, a donor has the opportunity to directly help the
individuals affected and to give them the feeling of hope,
comfort
and
community.
How
The Program Works:
The Tear Soup To Go! program donates new copies of the book Tear
Soup, a recipe for healing after loss to families,
individuals and organizations that are assisting those directly
involved, those that are suffering the most. In a short period
of Sept 15th - October 15th 2001 the program sent out over 500
copies to grieving families in New York and at the Pentagon.
A tax-deductible contribution to the program CAN make a
difference and assist the bereaved along their painful journey.
Donations
are received through Metanoia Peace Community - Grief Watch,
Portland Oregon. Everyday, Grief Watch receives calls from
organizations around the country that are working overtime to
assist bereaved individuals. Churches, schools,
bereavement counselors and companies that the victims worked for
or attended, are stretched to their capacity trying to assist
and comfort families. As organizations call Grief Watch,
names are gathered, matched with donors from around the country
and copies of Tear Soup are sent out.
How
You Can Help Out:
If you
would like to be a part of the Tear Soup To Go! program, please
visit the Tear Soup To Go! donation page at http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/togo.htm
If
you have any questions regarding your tax deductible donation or
would rather talk to a live person to hear about some of the
recent requests for assistance, please call 503-284-7426.
Holiday
Gift Ideas For The Bereaved.
Several
of these products are available through our web site http://www.griefwatch.com
or by calling our office at 503-284-7426.
Others would be available through local or online
retailers.
Helpful Links For Parents And Professionals
WidowNet:http://www.fortnet.org/WidowNet/
An information and self-help resource site for, and by, widows
and widowers. Topics covered include grief, bereavement,
recovery, and other information helpful to people, of all ages,
religious backgrounds and sexual orientations, who have suffered
the death of a spouse or life partner.
MedBroadcast.com:
http://www.medbroadcast.com/health_topics/death_dying/grief/
Articles
about grief symptoms and the bereavement process for the newly
bereaved.
Web
Healing Discussion Page:
http://www.webhealing.com/cgi-bin/main.pl
Tom Golden’s Web Healing site offers an online discussion
board for grief topics as well as a comprehensive bereavement
links page.
The
Centering Corporation:
http://www.centering.org
The
Centering Corporation has a large online and mail order
selection of bereavement titles and resources for your family.
For
more bereavement sites and grief links please visit our Helpful
Links Page at http://www.griefwatch.com/links.htm
Tear
Soup is one of the most helpful recipes for you and your family.
Find
out why. http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/tshome.htm
Do
you have an idea or suggestion for this newsletter?
Our online community grows and becomes inspired everyday
by your input. Please
send your submissions or comments to mailto:webmater@tearsoup.com
DISCLAIMER:
This newsletter is the creation of Metanoia Peace
Community-Grief Watch, Portland, Oregon. USA.
The articles contained within are subject to all
copyright restrictions. If
you would like to share this newsletter with others please do
so. If you would like to reprint a portion of this newsletter for
your organization or publications, please contact Chuck DeKlyen
(email mailto:chuck@tearsoup.com)
for permissions. Thank
you.
HEY YOU! - Do you have an idea or suggestion for this newsletter? Our online community grows and becomes inspired everyday by your input. Please send your submissions or comments
to: webmaster@tearsoup.com
If you stumbled upon this newsletter and like what you see, you can add
your name to the
mailing list, please visit http://www.griefwatch.com/mailinglist/add_subscriber.asp
|