IN THIS ISSUE YOU WILL FIND:
From The Director Of Grief Watch - What does
Time have to do with grief?
NEW BOOK
– Angel Instead
Poem – The Sitting Time
Thoughts Along The Way
About Grief Watch
Special Deals!
Reader Submission – Letter To A Friend
Holiday Bereavement Cards
New Grief Resource – The Grief Digest
Helpful Links & Websites
Comments & Suggestions
FROM THE DIRECTOR OF GRIEF WATCH
Pat Schwiebert, R.N. – Executive Director
What does time have to do with grief?
Everything.
Just consider how, in “normal life,” our lives are run by the clock and the calendar. Some of us have a clock in every room so we can keep close track of the time. Few of us have the courage to live without wearing a watch because we’re afraid we might be late for something. Time is precious to us. We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and some of us are masters at cramming as much activity as possible into every moment.
And when we are grieving our experience still has much to do about time.
Time stands still.
When we are grieving we may feel like the rest of the world is going on as usual while our life has stopped. Just last week, after my friend died, I passed a neighbor watering his lawn. He seemed totally unaffected by, and most likely unaware of Sarah’s death. How could that be? He only lives a block away. Didn’t he feel the same shift in the universe that I felt when she died? Doesn’t he realize someone really special is missing?
Time’s up.
Most people will allow us about a one month grace period where we are permitted to talk about our loss and even to cry openly. During this time our friends will probably seem to be attentive to our needs. But when the month is up they may be thinking, if not actually telling us, that it’s time to move on, and that we need to get over “it”. They want us to get back to normal. We may be surprised how many of our friends (and relatives too) will become uncomfortable with our need to dwell on our sorrow. They may not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life to the loss. Maybe what they are really saying is, “Time’s up for me to be able to be present to you in your grieving time.” Because of this we may need to redefine what is normal for us, and choosing some new best friends—friends who are willing and able to walk along side us on our personal journey of grief, and who will allow us to determine when our “time’s up”.
Doing Time.
Grief may make us feel imprisoned in our own version of hell. We won’t like who we are. We won’t like it that our loved one has gone. We won’t like it that our friends can’t make us feel better. We just want out of here, and we’re not sure we want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this bondage. Some of us will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others of us may feel like we have been given a longer sentence.
Wasting time.
Though in real life I pride myself in being a master at multitasking, in the land of grief I’m much less sure of myself. I find it hard to make decisions because, in my new situation, I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes my wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. I am physically exhausted and my body refuses to make an effort to reclaim my former self. And I admit, quite frankly, that I’m not sure I even care enough about anything to make the effort. What’s the use, since it seems like everything I love sooner or later gets taken away from me.
Looking back in time.
When we grieve we spend most of our time, at least at first, looking back. It seems safer that way. That’s where our missing loved ones are. If we were to look forward, that would mean we would have to imagine our lives without those we have lost. And that’s what we aren’t ready to accept--not yet. So we spend a lot of time thinking how we should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if we used our time with them well, as we remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times. We think we have to keep those memories in front of us, or surely we will forget those whom we have lost.
First times.
It is natural for us to gauge our life after a loss as we anticipate and then go through the first times --first day, the first week, the first month, the first time we venture out in public, the first time we went back to school, or church, or work, the first summer, the first Christmas, the first vacation, the first time we laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in our belt that prove we are surviving when you weren’t sure we wanted to, or didn’t know we could.
Dinnertime.
There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom we are all thinking but not daring to speak. We still prepare more food than we now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person. Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what we want it to do--to fill that huge hole within us.
Time out.
Sometimes what we need to do is to take a time out from our regular activities to reflect on what has happened to our personal world, as we knew it before our great loss. To do so is not to run away from life but simply to realize that to act as if nothing has happened doesn’t work. This loss is too big to allow us to pretend that it hasn’t had a big impact on us. It’s in the quiet time, when we shut off our thinking, and empty out the chatter in our head that the healing begins. Others will have to be okay with our need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief our job is to take care of ourselves, not to take care of our friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s our choice what we will reinstate and what we decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine our priorities. What used to be important may not be as important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Time heals what reason cannot.
In the end, time will change things. The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. This happens in our lives all the time. Remember how when we first fell in love with someone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored. Or when we did (what we thought was) some terrible thing and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.
In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life on this planet will once again seem possible. This will not happen because we come to understand the death more clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.
Time will not remove grief entirely. The scars of our grief will remain and we may find ourselves ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.
Time is a gift that we have taken for granted. We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time. This is good.
Questions or comments? Contact the author Pat Schwiebert R.N. at mailto:pat@tearsoup.com
NEW BOOK FOR KIDS!
“We Were Gonna Have A Baby, But We Had An Angel Instead”
By Pat Schwiebert, R.N., Illustrated by Taylor Bills.
Now is your chance to order the newest book from the creator or
Tear Soup & When Hello Means Goodbye
at a reduced price. For a limited time we will be offering
this title at 25% off the retail price!
If you want to learn more about the title, please read on.
We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead is a book for children who have recently lost a sibling-to-be.
Expressing the excitement and anticipation children have at waiting for their new sibling to arrive, and the sudden, life-changing nature of an unexpected loss, “An Angel Instead”
is narrated by a young boy who shares his family’s disappointment and grief over the loss of their baby. This important booklet includes a section of helpful information on how to help grieving children through this difficult time.
To order a copy at 25% off please follow this link to the order page
- http://www.griefwatch.com/detail.asp?product_id=anis
For more information regarding this title please visit our website at -
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/angel_instead.htm
Poem
THE SITTING TIME
Don’t listen to the foolish unbelievers
who say forget.
Take up your armful of roses and
remember them
the flower and the fragrance.
When you go home to do your sitting
in the corner by the clock
and sip your rosethorn tea
It will warm your face and fingers
and burn the bottom of your belly.
But as her gone-ness piles in white,
crystal drifts,
It will be the blossom of her moment
the warmth on your belly,
the tiny fingers unfolding,
the new face you’ve always known,
That has changed you.
Take her moment, and hold it
As every mother does.
She will always be
your daughter
And when the sitting is done you’ll find
bitter grief could never poison
the sweetness of her time.
By Joe Digman
THOUGHTS ALONG THE WAY
“Time heals what reason can not.”
To learn more about Thoughts Along The Way please visit :
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/thoughts.htm
ABOUT GRIEF WATCH
By Rev. John T. Schwiebert
Having visited our web-site you already know that Grief Watch is a not-for-profit publisher of resource materials to help person who are struggling with the reality of personal loss.
What you may not know is that Grief Watch is also a labor of love created and maintained by residents of an intentional living community know as the 18th Ave Peace House. And the Peace House family is in turn connected to a United Methodist congregation, Metanoia Peace Community, here in Portland, Oregon.
Our name, “Grief Watch,” recalls the biblical story in which Jesus, filled with agony and grief in anticipation of his own death, chides his companions who have fallen asleep during his ordeal. Jesus says to them, “Could you not watch with me for one brief hour?” (Matthew 26:40) In the light of this story our aim at Grief Watch is to be fully present with you while you are grieving—to stay awake with you as you face the painful reality of you loss. And, as we indicated earlier, we also aim to watch out for those situations where future loss might be prevented by changes in our society’s priorities and procedures.
If you have questions about Grief Watch you may write to us at metanoia@tearsoup.com
For more information about the 18th Ave Peace House or Metanoia Peace Community UMC, go to
www.tearsoup.com/metanoia
Questions or comments? Please contact the author Rev. John Schwiebert at
mailto:john@tearsoup.com
SPECIAL DEALS!
The following resources are currently on special at www.griefwatch.com. Quantities are limited so get your special deal and a gift for a friend in need today!
The Rainbow Butterfly – 20% Off!
A simple colorful butterfly that is mounted on a matte board and ready for framing. Makes a nice thank you or welcoming gift. –
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/butterfly.htm
Order one Now!
Feeling Hearts – 20% Off!
A drawstring felt bag filled with twenty ceramic colored hearts. Created for facilitating support groups and counseling sessions. Perfect for counseling men!
http://www.griefwatch.com/pl/plinfo/feeling%20hearts.htm
Order A Set Now!
READER SUBMISSION
Letter to a Friend - By Margaret Brownley
Friends structure a pier
high above the angry waves
of the sea of death.
Haiku by Diantha Ain
Grief is hard on friendships, but it doesn't have to be. Sometimes, all it takes is a little honesty between friends. If we gently and lovingly explain what we need from the relationship during our time of grief, and what we are willing to do in return, we can turn even a lukewarm friendship into something special. Share the following letter with a friend over lunch. You'll both be glad you did.
Dear Friend,
Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them. Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichés. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words. Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment.
Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person. Please accept me for who I am today.
Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate friend—because I have learned from the best.
Love,
(Your name)
Margaret Brownley is the author of 22 titles. Her new book “GRIEVING GOD'S WAY” will be published November 2003. For more information please email
mailto:margaretbrownley@sbcglobal.net
Holiday
Bereavement Cards For Parents & Professionals
HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS that carry an important message from bereaved
parents to their friends and acquaintances.
These holiday greeting cards allow you to reach out to those
important, but not so distant persons in your life--persons who may
not have known about your pregnancy, nor heard about your loss.
These greeting cards allow you not only to offer to such persons the
traditional greetings of the season, but also, at the same time, to
tell of your sadness, to thank persons who have been there for you,
and/or to give others permission and encouragement to support you in
your grief during this difficult holiday season.
To order or learn more about these beautiful cards please download
one of our order
forms from our website.
PARENT’S
HOLIDAY CARD ORDER FORM
http://www.griefwatch.com/downloads/parent_xmas_cards.pdf
PROFESSIONAL
HOLIDAY CARD ORDER FORM
http://www.griefwatch.com/downloads/pro_xmas_cards.pdf
NEW GRIEF RESOURCE
The Grief Digest
A new, reader-friendly magazine which includes the best writers and speakers in the field of bereavement. Included are interesting articles on coping and dealing with grief, help for the caregiver and most of all, the usual quality and support you expect from your Centering family. Add to that a tremendous editing job by former Bereavement Magazine publisher Andrea Gambill and you have a quarterly support group at your fingertips.
Grief Digest Contributors Include:
Eloise Cole, Christine Dernederlanden, Deirdre Felton, Andrea
Gambill, Tom Golden, Earl Grollman, Joy Johnson, Pat Loder, Doug Manning, Jack and Fran
Munday, Pat Schwiebert, Darcie Sims, Elaine Stillwell, Alan
Wolfelt, Nan Zastrow
To order subscriptions visit http://griefdigest.com
For subscriptions by mail, send your subscription info to
the Centering Corporation. Quarterly subscription begins July 2003.
Centering Corporation
PO Box 4600, Omaha, NE 68104
Phone: 402-553-1200 / Fax: 402-553-0507
HELPFUL LINKS - For Parents And Professionals
National SHARE Office:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/
The National SHARE Office is a non-profit organization and the hub for all SHARE support groups around the country. If you are looking for an infant loss support group or the local SHARE group in your area, this is a good place to start. Site also has good information regarding parents’ rights and grief education.
Grief Net:
http://www.griefnet.org
An Internet community of persons
dealing with grief, death, and major loss.
Site has several email support groups and monitors several
websites. Their companion site,
http://www.kidsaid.com provides
a safe environment for kids and their parents to find information
and ask questions.
The Centering Corporation:
http://www.centering.org
The Centering Corporation has a large online and mail order selection of bereavement titles and resources for your family.
For more bereavement sites and grief links please visit our Helpful Links Page at
http://www.griefwatch.com/links.htm
Tear Soup is one of the most helpful recipes for you and your family. Find out
why, http://www.griefwatch.com/tearsoup/Default.htm
Want to learn more about Grief Watch? Please visit our website http://www.Griefwatch.com
COMMENTS & SUGGESTIONS
Do you have an article, idea or suggestion for our newsletter? Our online community grows and becomes inspired everyday by your input. Please send your submissions or comments to
mailto:webmaster@griefwatch.com
This newsletter is the creation of Metanoia Peace Community-Grief Watch, Portland, Oregon. USA. The articles contained within are subject to all copyright
restrictions and are the property Grief Watch or their perspective
owners. If you would like to share this newsletter with others please do so. If you would like to reprint a portion of this newsletter for your organization or publications, please contact Chuck DeKlyen
mailto:webmaster@griefwatch.com
for permissions. Thank you.
Grief
Watch never sells or rents the names that it collects from it's
mailing lists.
Questions? See our privacy policy.
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